Ruminating about past loves

My first love was the sweetest man. He was really into poetry and was very innocent and sweet. We kissed the first time late at night by the light of a television at a friends house after picking on each other all day.

Sometimes I long to hold him again. I know he isn't the same person, and neither am I, but I still love him with my entire heart. If you are out there reading this, my first love, I want you to know how special you are, and how I wish we had been able to work out a relationship between the two of us.

Tragic lovers, torn apart by pride and prejudice. I wish I could feel your touch again.. to know you love me, to recall that feeling when you came back from the service. To know your lips on mine again...

Your voice haunts me. I see you when I close my eyes, still at 17 years old. Still longing for me. Still welcoming me into your bed in the middle of the night.

Thoughts of you make my skin tingle. Thoughts of you make me long for yesterday. Thoughts of you make me remember how sensual and sexy you and I were together.

I miss you, first love.

Why does my mind wander?

Today I couldn't stop thinking 'what if' again. I love my husband dearly, but there are men that I have been friends with for years that I wonder 'what if?'. What if we had dated, what if I had been interested, what if what if what if. Usually this means I am feeling weird about my own relationship, because if things are weird I think about others more often (great clue when things aren't going well btw) but I do love my husband dearly. Still, this one particular man always makes me laugh, stares me in the eye with a devilish grin, always makes innuendo but nothing too far...

I am happy I am married, but sometimes I wonder what would happen if I was free for one night, free again to do whatever it is I feel. I know that many bad things went along with my past, and I know that I can't relive it, but just one night. One kiss. One tender touch. One time to really hear how he feels about me and I would be happy.

Might be time for a heart to heart with the husband..

Anyone else have these thoughts? Anyone else feel like one kiss would be enough to satisfy the hunger, no matter how illicit?

Haiku on pain

heart hurts in my chest
how could you leave me this way
no recovery

Song for my husband

I know you'll be ahead of the masses
drinking from fine glasses with me

And I know we'll see all that life has to offer
and you'll share the laughter with me

And I know you will always love me as I love you
and a lifetime you'll spend with me (and I with you)

And I know that as I walk down that aisle
they'll all see you smile at me

And when you look down into my eyes
the layers of disguise fall free

And I know that it's the real you, I see I'm real too
and I know that this is where I'm meant to be (right next to you)

What its Worth

My entire life
I felt abandoned with pain and with strife
Father what have I done
Why are you always gone

I always blamed you
I went against the grain, felt worthless and alone
What could I have done
to make you stay with me, I could have been the child you want

I was always told
He loves you as much as he's able to so
You really need to move on....
He is ill and he's gone

I always blamed you
I went against the grain, felt worthless and alone
What could I have done
to make you stay with me, I could have been the child you need....

I blamed him for all
the wrong in my life..
He's the one that's at fault. Still something wasn't right
I was awake all night

I always blamed you
I went against the grain, felt worthless and alone
What could I have done
to make you stay with me, I could have been the child that's wrong

When the doctor called
Mom's at the hospital
something is wrong
We can't find what it is
Was the blame not all his

I always blamed you
I went against the grain, felt worthless and alone
What could I have done
to make you stay with me, I could have been the child in need..

Illness can be
Subversive and subtle can also demean
I couldn't see it all
But it has built my wall

I never blamed you
I went against the grain, felt worthless and alone
What could I have done
to make you care and see I could have been the child indeed....

Looking at your life
I see your pain and your hatred and strife
You weren't completely to blame
Somebody caused you pain

I shouldn't blame you
I went against the grain, felt worthless and alone
What could I have done
to realize that I had value on my own....

Trying to find songs that describe my life

I love music. I am the first to admit I will listen to just about anything. Songs can bring me back to a place in my history that is so real, the emotion bubbles up out of me.

Anyway, I was on facebook today and someone filled out a note about songs for the movie of your life. I had to really think about it for some time but I think I finally came up with a decent list.

Opening Credits: Ain't No Sunshine - Bill Withers

Childhood (0-10): The Way it is - Bruce Hornsby

Teen Years: Against the Wind - Bob Seger

Your First Love: Sweet Love - Commodores

Your First "Time": Right and Wrong Way - Keith Sweat

Truly Falling in Love (ie, the person you know you want to spend the rest of your life with): Wedding Song - Tracy Chapman

Heart Broken: One Last Cry - Brian McKnight

A Time of Angst and Intense Soul Searching: Bittersweet Symphony - The Verve

Accomplishing Something Amazing: Take California - Propellerheads

Battling Personal Demons: Mad World - Michael Andrews and Gary Jules

A Time of Intense Anger: Mudshovel - Staind

Closing Credits: Holding Back the Years - Simply Red

Do you have a favorite song for your life?

Earliest Memories

There was flat road. The air was hot and the breeze blew past my face. The road was lined with sparse trees that were tall and slender. I remember being surrounded by yellow and being exceptionally happy. Content, if you will. I was 2 years old and this is my earliest memory.

People have asked me questions about it, like “How do you remember that image?” or “Are you sure someone didn’t tell the story to you and you personalized it?” Rest assured these things did not happen. I have always been in touch with my feelings, being called princess and the pea often because I am too sensitive. I thought it was merely a dream and described it to my mom. My mom said her and my father used to ride bicycles all the time and I was always in the back in a yellow bicycle seat, wind blowing my hair around on a Mississippi road lined with tall thin trees.

My mom and dad met when they were still in high school. To hear my mom tell it she wasn’t really that into him, but went along at his insistence. How much of this is true I don’t know, because I never really got my father’s side of the story.

(Continued)